Women freaks-out before her 24th birthday!

I am currently a couple of minutes away from my 24th birthday and I am starting to freak out a bit. Eeek!

On the eve of my 12th birthday I had these same feelings of trepidation as I have tonight. I remember that night so clearly. I was at the bottom bunk of the double bunk beds that me and my sister shared. Although I slept on the top bunk, I was on the bottom that night. I am not too sure where my sister was but I am certain I was alone as I remember feeling so lonely. That night, the feelings of anxiousness, fear and failure washed over in massive uncontrollable waves as I consistently asked the question “What have you done in the 12 years you have been on this Earth?” That night, I honestly had no good response and I fell into an uneasy and troubled sleep.

Fast forward 12 years and again on the eve my birthday, I am asking myself the same question. Unfortunately, I am still not sure that I have a good answer. I have just not done that much. I will not bother to you with a list my accomplishments as it is an embarrassingly short list. But, I have learned a lot and I cannot say that my last twelve years were a total waste. If anything, I just kinda learnt a lot.

The more I think about that night so many years ago, I am reminded that my grandparents were all still alive. My grandparents meant everything to me. I spent so many nights in that room praying and hoping that they would not die and thinking about how I could not live without them. I couple of months after my 12th birthday, I had to learn how to.

I do not know how they would feel seeing me now, but I hope I am making them at least a little proud. God knows that I miss them and after they died, I lost my bearings. Perhaps, part of what made my last twelve years so unspectacular has been the fact I maybe am still trying to find my true north.

As the the minutes tick down to midnight, I would like to make a promise to myself. The next twelve years is not going to be just me drifting aimlessly through life. I need to start living, taking risks and taking control. On the eve of my 36th birthday, I will have a much better answer than what I have no now.

So, happy birthday to me! I will make sure to not fuck up the next twelve years.

To my grandparents. I love you and miss you so much. I am not sure how I made it without you and there is still so much that I needed to learn from you. Hopefully, the next twelve years will be a better reflection of the person I really am and the person that you raised.

Goodnight and thank you!

-The Voice Inside My Head

P.S. I really like the look of the The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. So here I used  the picture of her birthday cake. Maybe it is a sign that I should be a little more ruthless and tenacious as she is. 

Image: storiescdn.hornet.com

Why do I identify so strongly with Lena Dunham?

Well, perhaps not Dunham herself but definitely her character Hannah in the HBO hit-show Girls.

I started watching the show a couple of weeks ago and a couple of weeks before my 24th birthday. I was going through one of those existential moments that people in there early 20s consistently seem to go through. I was also on a Adam Driver binge and Girls just seemed like the next logical thing to watch of his. However, I did not know that I would find a show that spoke to me in such strong and personal way.

Dunham plays a 24 year old, brutally honest and self-centered wanna-be writer named Hannah. In the first episode, Hannah’s parents tell her that they will no longer be supporting her lifestyle in New York where she works as an unpaid intern. These two things immediately resonated with me. I also still live off the generosity of my parents which I know I also sometimes abuse. Secondly, nearly all internship besides that in government seem to be unpaid. Which, I think we can all agree is total fucking bullshit.

Hannah is also not your classically attractive girl. She is a little overweight and is covered in weird and misplaced tattoos that makes it look like a bunch of toddlers had played an awful trick on her. Hannah is also very self-conscious about how she looks and always complains about her ugliness, especially in comparison to her unearthly beautiful friends.

Nonetheless, Hannah seemingly does not let her feelings about her body stop her from living her life. She has an incredibly busy love life and has no problem showing her body off to her lovers and even her friends. Dunham has an unbelievable amount of nude scenes where she shows everything even the parts of her body that she is clearly not happy about.

That contentedness in her own looks made me feel a lot better about myself. Dunham and I do share a slightly similar body type and the fact that she is not hiding a way in her house and living her best life was really inspiring for me. Although Dunham was criticized for what many saw as unnecessary and ill-timed nude scenes, I loved them! It was amazing to see people that look a little like me on TV. We are not all Emilia Clarkes and the idea that someone is showing off her body like that  and not just in sex scenes really grounded the show for me.

Hannah and I also share so many bad habits. Ranging from her selfishness, eating habits, procrastination and her ability to manipulate her parents, particularly her dad. I felt deep shame in some of the scenes as I saw a clear resemblance of myself in the character. I seem to see a lot of myself in the very worst parts of Hannah’s character.

However, there was one part of the show the really sold me on it. In the second season, Hannah is tasked with writing a book. However, the stress of the book brings back her OCD. As someone who is currently in the ugly midst of writing a thesis, I can completely understand the unbelievable amount of stress that comes from writing. In the end, her sickness is so bad that she punctures an ear drum. In the end, she also hurts her other ear to make sure it matchee. She is left as a complete mess and she spends her days in bed, in the same clothes eating random junk in her house.

In the end, she is saved by Adam in seriously one of the most romantic and honest acts of love I have ever seen on television. Hannah face-times Adam and he notices her OCD as she shakes her head over her shoulder compulsively. Adam, who knew she had OCD as a child, runs to her through crowded streets and subways while keeping her on face-time. Eventually, Adam reaches her door and kicks it down as Hannah refuses to open it. In the end, he is holding her in his arms and you can see the relief in Hannah’s face as she finally has someone to take care of her. Something, which she has been seriously missing.

That was beautiful to me. Hopefully, we will all have someone, be it a sibling, parent, friend or lover, that will be able to pull us from our dark spirals.

In the end, Dunham’s character does exhibit some of her own thoughts, flaws and hangups. I hope to want day write such a honest and flawed character in which I can also show my true-self. Although, I am not too sure about the nude scenes. I hope we can all find a character on TV, films or in  books that represents us in such a way.

Thank you

The Voices Inside My Head

P.S I am only on season three so my opinion on all of this can change. But, for now this is how I feel. In the next update on this, I will also address some of the criticisms that both Dunham and the show has faced.

Lena Dunham as her character Hannah on the HBO hit Girls

Image: Time.com

My thoughts on growing up

Let’s just start by saying that they are not very good. Growing up pretty much just sucks. To think that we were once young and thought that getting older will be a time where we get to do whatever we want and that no one could tell us nothing. Oh my God. We were so fucking wrong. You are never more constrained in your life than as a adult. Your responsibilities becoming the world’s shortest leash simply because you have to make sure that you fucking eat, have health care and you do not disappoint everyone around you. So, to any adults out there who have made it. I salute you! Let us know how you did it mother fucker. – The Voice Inside My Head