I am currently a couple of minutes away from my 24th birthday and I am starting to freak out a bit. Eeek!
On the eve of my 12th birthday I had these same feelings of trepidation as I have tonight. I remember that night so clearly. I was at the bottom bunk of the double bunk beds that me and my sister shared. Although I slept on the top bunk, I was on the bottom that night. I am not too sure where my sister was but I am certain I was alone as I remember feeling so lonely. That night, the feelings of anxiousness, fear and failure washed over in massive uncontrollable waves as I consistently asked the question “What have you done in the 12 years you have been on this Earth?” That night, I honestly had no good response and I fell into an uneasy and troubled sleep.
Fast forward 12 years and again on the eve my birthday, I am asking myself the same question. Unfortunately, I am still not sure that I have a good answer. I have just not done that much. I will not bother to you with a list my accomplishments as it is an embarrassingly short list. But, I have learned a lot and I cannot say that my last twelve years were a total waste. If anything, I just kinda learnt a lot.
The more I think about that night so many years ago, I am reminded that my grandparents were all still alive. My grandparents meant everything to me. I spent so many nights in that room praying and hoping that they would not die and thinking about how I could not live without them. I couple of months after my 12th birthday, I had to learn how to.
I do not know how they would feel seeing me now, but I hope I am making them at least a little proud. God knows that I miss them and after they died, I lost my bearings. Perhaps, part of what made my last twelve years so unspectacular has been the fact I maybe am still trying to find my true north.
As the the minutes tick down to midnight, I would like to make a promise to myself. The next twelve years is not going to be just me drifting aimlessly through life. I need to start living, taking risks and taking control. On the eve of my 36th birthday, I will have a much better answer than what I have no now.
So, happy birthday to me! I will make sure to not fuck up the next twelve years.
To my grandparents. I love you and miss you so much. I am not sure how I made it without you and there is still so much that I needed to learn from you. Hopefully, the next twelve years will be a better reflection of the person I really am and the person that you raised.
Goodnight and thank you!
-The Voice Inside My Head
P.S. I really like the look of the The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. So here I used the picture of her birthday cake. Maybe it is a sign that I should be a little more ruthless and tenacious as she is.